Sunday, May 13, 2012

Compass of Desires

A compass is made to point North, giving direction, assurance.  My compass is often more like Jack Sparrow's compass.  It swings around, looking to point toward what my heart wants the most.  Do you remember that part in the Pirate movies?  Jack's compass pointed toward what he desired most, instead of pointing steadily North.  During that time, he could hardly give an order to his crew as to where they should set sail because he didn't know what he wanted anymore and the needle danced around, out of control.

During the sermon today, God really spoke to my heart about something.  I realized I mostly do what I want to do - what my heart desires.  Like Jack's messed up compass, I hope to get direction based on what I want!  Instead of anticipating that the navigational direction in my life is going to only point North, or in a spiritual sense, to Truth, I wait with bated breath only to do what my selfish desire wants too much of the time.

Today being Mother's Day, I wish I could tell you I am always sacrificial with my time, money and energy.  Instead, I awakened to the fact that I am still selfish.  Rats!  I thought that surely by now I wouldn't have to battle with my self-centeredness.  I wish that I did have a compass I could whip out, look at and see my desires miraculously match up with God's desires for me and that I'd happily set a coarse to follow them.  Sometimes I want to be lazy.  Sometimes I just want to gripe.  Sometimes I think I'll ignore. I really want to be "good" all the time, but I also want my own way.  I think this must be that internal battle Paul talked about in Romans 7.
          "For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.  For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."  

Sure, us moms do a lot of things to help make the world go round.  One example?  That fridge doesn't just magically fill up with food. We surely do many things for the love of our families.  But unfortunately, even us moms are not immune to struggling with selfishness.  I hope though, that as the years continue to go by and I can pray, MORE OF YOU JESUS IN MY LIFE, the more syncopated my compass needle will be with God's desires.  Oh, how I wish I could put aside all my selfishness.  It's exhausting to wrestle myself each day.  But I honestly do want the Lord to be honored in my life. Today was a day to recommit my "wants" to my Lord and ask that he'd bring my longings into sync with His.

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